"I'm moving to Nashville!" I was a young, 20-year-old girl when I spoke those words to my parents in late summer of 1988. Three weeks later, I borrowed my dad's car, loaded it up with all my earthly possessions, and took off for Nashville with less than $100 dollars in my pocket, no job, no place to live, and I knew NO ONE in the city to which I was traveling.
By the time I arrived in Nashville, my mother had connected with a family in a local church and their daughter said I could sleep on the floor of her dorm room at Belmont University. The catch, I could only stay there for three nights! I arrived on a Saturday evening, and by my third night (Monday), I still had no job, no place to live, and my money was almost gone.
Tuesday morning, I decided I was going to go home. So, I got in my borrowed car and started driving back to Iowa. I got almost to Clarksville (just north of Nashville) and realized all my things were back at the dorm room. "I'll just send for them", I told myself. But another Voice told me I needed to go back. "Ok, God! I'll go back, but just to get my things. I'm going home, tonight!"
When I got back to the University, there was a message waiting for me. A family in Brentwood learned that I needed a place to live and wanted to offer me a room! I met with "The Wife", and moved in with her family that night. Three days later, I was offered a job and started working on the spot!
I had moved to Nashville to sing. I did my first session, four months after I had moved to Nashville, and it was for Steven Curtis Chapman! I really thought I had arrived!!
In order to pursue my life's dream, I had decided there was no room in my life for romance. Well, at least I would not actively pursue romance. If it "found" me, I wouldn't necessarily push it away. *wink - wink*
Five years after I'd arrived in this great city, a man entered my life that I couldn't resist.
He was tall, dark and handsome. He had an athletic body, piercing eyes, and a very commanding personality. And to top it all off, he was a deacon at his church! Couldn't have been more perfect for me! We had our first date, and he seemed too good to be true! The first sign of trouble occurred just a few short weeks later when he said to me, "If you want to be in a relationship with me, you'd better shape up!" This was the result of me not loaning him my only car for an indefinite period of time, when his car broke down.
We got through that argument, he bought me some flowers, and things were great again. But not for long.
Over a period of nearly 5 years, "John Doe" nibbled away at me until he had me convinced I was physically ugly, worthless, unlovable, untalented, and completely incapable of thinking of anyone else but myself. Then, after I had been on the road for a little over a year, singing with an amazing gospel group, he ended things with me over the phone at 1am. He told me, "I don't love you and I never want to marry you. I've never loved you and never will. I knew three months into our relationship I would never love you, but I knew you wanted someone to love, so I thought I'd let you love me." I was devastated.
A few weeks later, my heart battered and bruised (beyond repair - I thought), I went home to Iowa for some much needed rest. That's when I met "Superman"; six feet, 5 inches, light brown hair, piercing eyes, dimples that went to the back of his head....he literally took my breath away! The mutual attraction was like nothing I had yet experienced. "John Doe" asked me once, "Do you really think I'm going to give my heart to SOMEONE LIKE YOU?!" Superman, said to me, "I can't believe SOMEONE LIKE YOU would want to be with someone like me!" This MUST be love, right?!
Six months later, fearing I was losing "Superman", I allowed the unthinkable to happen. I gave him everything I had to give. I gave him what should have been given to my husband. When it was over, to my humiliation, he got out of bed, took a shower, and didn't talk to me for nearly two days. He finally did talk to me, but just to confirm my flight (we had met in a city between the two cities we were living in, at the time). He dropped me off at the airport, said goodbye, and drove off. A month later, my life took another unexpected turn. I was pregnant.
Superman hung up the phone within five minutes after I told him (it had taken me a little more than a week to get him on the phone). He later told me, "I don't love you. I never did and I never will. I never want to marry you." Deja vu! I literally wanted to die, and tried to figure out ways to make that happen. Thankfully, my love for my parents kept me from harming myself. I knew my death would hurt them far more than my unwed pregnancy would.
I moved back to Iowa. My family was there. Superman was there. My home church family was there. I needed to learn how to live again. I needed to learn how to forgive myself. I needed to learn to accept God's forgiveness. I needed to learn to rest in His unfailing love, again.
I received months of Godly counseling, and came to see my pregnancy not as God's curse or punishment, but as God's blessing! Single and pregnant, for me, was a blessing!
Through that experience, I had to utterly depend on God's grace and mercy to get me through even the most mundane tasks, each moment of every day.
God gave me the name, Corbin, for my precious baby. Corbin means, "gift, wholly dedicated to God."
My sweet, and precious gift was born early on a cold, snowy, winter morning in February, 1999. All the shame, hurt, and humiliation was a small price to pay, for the squirming, ten-fingered, ten-toed, bundle of sweetness I was holding in my arms.
I had my baby. I didn't need, nor did I want another man in my life! But, God had other plans.
In December, 2002, my parents decided to embark on a "find our daughter a suitable husband" quest! They signed me up on dating website with the understanding that they were going to choose the man! I was scared!!
Blue-eyed-Cyclone was one among several dozen messages they culled through, from that dating site. I remember my mom saying, "Oh! This is the man you're going to marry!" Really?! An Iowa State Cyclone fan?! NO WAY!! We were an Iowa Hawkeye family!
Well, we had our first date after a month of corresponding via e-mail and phone calls. After a month of dating, Blue-eyed-Cyclone said we "needed to talk". I prepared myself for the "it's not you, it's me" talk, and drove to his house. He sat me down and started telling me how he had been thinking of me and praying about me at church that morning.
He said that as he prayed he realized something; "I'm going to say something, and I need you to NOT say anything back. Ok?"
"Ok", I said.
"Tammy, I love you! I need you to know that I love you. You need to be loved without any expectations on your part. Let me just love you. Don't say anything back to me. Just accept my love, and leave it at that." he said. My blue-eyed-cyclone stirred things up in my life and turned everything upside down.....but in such a good way.
Nine months later, he brought me back to Nashville to accompany him while he interviewed for a fellowship at Vanderbilt University. After his interviews, he took me for a walk along the riverbank in downtown Nashville. The same riverbank I used to sit on and lament the lack of true romantic love in my life, as I watched happy, in-love couples walk hand-in-hand under the moonlight. Blue-eyed-Cyclone stopped, and we sat down on the grass looking at the over-large, over-bright moon shining in the early fall sky. He maneuvered himself to kneel in front of me and began telling me all the things he loved about me, and how he was so thankful God had brought us together. Then, he was asking me to marry him, and he was putting a ring on my finger!
Six months later, on March 19, 2004, we were pledging our love and vowing before God to be faithful to each other, until death parted us!
He got the fellowship, and we moved back to Nashville. I was no longer a single mother, working sometimes 70 hours a week just to make ends meet, while my precious little boy was being raised by daycare workers, and his stepmom while his father hunted, rode motorcycles, and played with his friends. I was married to a Godly man, who turned his own life upside down so he could better financially provide so that I could stay home and be a mother to my child.
As I was unpacking boxes and moving into my new life, I came across an old journal I had briefly kept while I was dating "John Doe". I read the entry for our first date, and saw the date I'd written down......March 19, 1993! Eleven years later, God had begun restoring my lost years!
My blue-eyed-cyclone and I have been married a little over nine years, now. I still stay home with my children, who are now Corbin - 14, Cameron - 8, Catherine - 7 and Carson - 7. My quiver is full. My children call me "blessed". My husband leads his family in the ways of the Lord.
I never really knew what Joel 2:25 was all about, until now.
God is faithful. God's promises are true. What lost years do you need restored? Trust God. He has so much more to give you, than what you've lost!
